Patience was a huge theme this term, and is continuing to whisper it's song, it's wisdom in my ear as I have traveled from Oxford to London to Luten to Istanbul, Turkey. I'm in Bursa now.
In Oxford I found my prayer life consisting of the same questions repeatedly. My spiritual life began to grow stagnant. As Lent commenced I decided to fast from plaguing God with these same prayers. Through this particular form of fasting, God revealed to me that the questions I have - the questions I still long for answers to - are questions he has called me to rest in, to trust him more deeply in my lack of conclusion. Life often feels like one big question. But God has called us to peace and rest in him as we trust him to answer these uncertainties in his timing. Oftentimes I find myself becoming obsessed with issues I can't fix immediately, or maybe at all. These issues distract me from heeding Paul's advice to think on "whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise" (Phil. 4:8). In essence, they distract me from meditating on God's word. Fasting from writing and praying of my frustrations (except to ask for peace) and choosing to focus instead on those truths and promises that bring Christ's love into the center of my vision, his purpose manifest in my life, pulled me out of this stagnancy pretty immediately. This decision gave me the strength to trust God with all that's beyond my understanding, and all that's beyond my power to make right.
The call of patience has stretched its powerful arms out to me in Bursa, as well. All who know me know that I love to connect deeply and richly with people - my family and friends, as well as the old man in the coffee shop, and the tough teenage kid on the subway. The family I was connected to, and am now living with in Bursa has been incredibly generous, hospitable and loving to me. Taryn, their 6th grade girl, gave up her room for me - for a month! Her and her brother immediately suggested a dozen different books they have that they think I should read here. Shari boldly and definitively told me no, when I asked if I might buy my own groceries (... feeling like I might be imposing on their generosity). "That's not what families do," was her quick reply.
However, relationships take time to develop. Feeling as comfortable with this family as I do with my own family cannot happen overnight. This has been a constant frustration in my life. And the Lord has been teaching me that "in quietness and trust shall be [my] strength" (Isaiah 30:15). I have realized that comfort is a luxury, not a necessity in this life. I may feel uncomfortable at times, and I need to be able to deal well with these situations. So, I am feeling my way - seemingly in the dark, since I only know so much about them - finding out how this family operates, what makes each person tick, and how I can love them individually and corporately, best for the month that I am here.
The promise that, "even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint" (Isaiah 40:30-31) has sustained me through moments of exhaustion wrought when I've given into anxiety over the past few months.
"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice," Paul writes. "Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests me made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
(Phil. 4:4-7). Amen, and praise God to that.
