Abiding.

Last night I laid in bed with my eyes closed but sleep would not come. My mind was reeling. My heart was sorely grieved. I was having trouble forgiving myself for sins I'd committed that day. Gluttony, jealousy. Sometimes I feel like I'm still a child..a baby in my faith. My head and my heart don't connect. I can't swallow the hopeless lump in my throat that separates them.

I know that "God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life" (John 3:16). I know that "For freedom Christ has set us free," that I must "stand firm therefore," that I must "not submit again to a yoke of slavery" (Gal. 5:1). Paul is specifically referring to the yoke of circumcision the Jews in Galatia are continuing to submit to, but he goes on to say that if we think we are justified by grace and the only thing that counts for anything is "faith working through love" (Gal. 5:5). I'm not justified by my ability to exercise self-control; nor does my justification come from humility. Christ was self-controlled; Christ was humble. These virtues arise in me only as I am in Him. The fruit of the Spirit is not my righteousness, it is His. 

If Only

My red eyes begin to drip.

Drip, drip, drip...

I've kept them open so long

the natural moisture must have dried & ripped

Rip, rip, rip...

If only I could learn to blink.

If only I could trust a wink.

But I just continue to think & sink

deeper into my thoughts of how life should be,

could be,

would be,

if my think became a double wink,

a blink.

If my PaSsiON Dies...

A close friend asked me what my greatest fear is a few days ago. I wasn't sure at first, but after thinking about it for awhile, I decided my greatest fear is that I might loose passion.

I'm a very passionate person. I'm passionate about the beauty of the mountains and the forests that steal my heart when I go camping. The wind, the rain, the snow, the sunshine - oh, how I love the warmth of the sun. I'm passionate about my family and how God has provided for and protected us, not just physically, but spiritually as well. I'm passionate about my friends, about the people with whom I have deep connections with, connections I know are God inspired, God ordained. Connections that don't happen on a regular basis. Don't you love those simple, blessed occurrences, when you can sit down with someone and suddenly an hour has passed without your knowledge because you've been engaged in meaningful, heartfelt, uplifting conversation?

Yet, I came to the realization, largely due to voicing this fear of loosing passion, that I base my life on passion. I live from one passionate experience to the next. This is true of my spiritual life as well. I'm not sure this is healthy. 

The greatest passion in my life is Jesus Christ. How could it be otherwise? His was the greatest passion ever. His blood spilt on a cross...for me. So that I might live. I mean really, truly live. There are days when I wake up and I am singing praises. I feel so alive I could just weep. I feel like calling everyone I know and telling them how much Jesus loves them and loves me and loves this world and how he's going to come again and take his followers to be with Him - WITH HIM! - for eternity. Those are fantastic mornings. Then there are those mornings when I, as Peter says, know the day will be characterized by "suffering in the flesh". I know I must actively and deliberately, "arm [myself] with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God" (1 Peter 4:1-2). These mornings are incredibly frustrating. I want to sleep all day. I want to eat, not a short stack, but the largest stack of pancakes I can find. I want to cry. I know the days going to present countless temptations. I cry out to God for help. I know its pertinent to read the Word. It's pertinent to pray harder and longer on these mornings. It may sound exhilarating; it may seem adventurous. However, the truth is, it sucks. It's hard and I must "arm" myself! It's hard to feel like Arwen in The Lord of the Rings on some great task for a king when you actually are playing this role. There's a stark contrast between watching and living. Yvaine in Stardust captures this dichotomy exquisitely when she tells Tristan how she used to watch humans go on adventures from the sky and long to be part of one. Now that she is in one, she is not sure how fond she is of them. They're hard and you often loose passion of the end goal, even if it is in sight.

On difficult mornings I say (in my head), "Brit, you have to read your Bible." 

I respond (yes, to myself), "I can't. I'm tired. I'm uninspired." 

Again I tell myself, "That's why you need to read."

And this battle rages on in my mind. I think I'd rather be on an actual physical battle field with dirt and mud on my face. At least I'd be getting the exercise that releases the endorphins that might brighten my mood. All that to say, sometimes even getting up is difficult. I think this is why I've always been afraid of loosing passion. 

I had one of those rather difficult days today. I went on a run to try to ease/clear/excite my mind. On this run, prayer (and some God given endorphins) cheered me up a bit, but more importantly, corrected my thinking. I'm not afraid of loosing my passion because I'm no longer going to live, consciously or subconsciously, for passion. Passion is a byproduct, a gracious gift from God, as I pursue holiness. 

I no longer fear loosing passion; I fear stubbornly refusing to submit. Submission. I want my life to be about submitting to God in everything - whether this means I submit passionately or passively. I will submit because God is God and I am not. Even if he did not love me, even if he did not give up his life for me (which, it must be proclaimed, out of his steadfast love, he does and he did), the fact of the matter is He is God. Passionately or not, I will give him praise, "Holy is he!" (Psalm 99:3).