Coming As I Am

I woke up feeling frustrated and guilty this morning. It only made things worse that today is the Sabbath and I've been working on "keeping the Sabbath holy," keeping my focus on Christ -living in the rest that he gives us by way of his sacrifice and forgiveness. My guilt and frustration didn't exactly leave me eager to go to church this morning. Plus, it's pretty smoky and warm here in Southern California with these wildfires burning. (Another source of guilt. What reason have I to complain when people are being evacuated from their homes, loosing their homes, loosing lives?)

I made it to church. I walked in to a gym full of people singing loud and raising their arms. Someone was probably crying somewhere. I think I know why some people don't like charismatic churches. They're very emotional. There's nothing wrong with emotion in and of itself. It just takes a lot of energy to be passionate when you're not feeling it. New Christians, or people prone to perfectionism like myself, will often become anxious walking into this setting if they're feeling too tired to worship with gusto, with their arms in the air, or on their knees, or with tears in their eyes.

Now, don't get me wrong: God deserves this sort of passionate praise. But, I take comfort in the Psalm that says he knows that we are dust - simply dust. Our souls are often weighed down by the cares and trivial concerns of this world - and not necessarily of our own volition. I don't always have easy access to the choice to be happy.

I sat down and started to journal these thoughts, these frustrations during worship. I came to some conclusions:

No matter how inconstant I am, no matter how tired I become, I will wait on the Lord. I will wait on the Lord because the Word says, "The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength ... They who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint" (Isaiah 40:28-31).

My guilt, my exhaustion, my frustration - this pain is a result of not meeting the standards I've set for myself. Yet, the Word I center my life on says "youths shall faint and be weary" and "young men shall fall exhausted." And I'm in this thing for the long run. I will continue long past the vitality of youth. So, I will shed these standards I've set for myself. I will abandon the illusion of competition I perpetrate between myself and my brothers and sisters, and I will worship God with the strength he has given me today.

Thank God for his mercy and his amazing grace.